Here is my first real personal ad — I put my location as ‘wonderlust’. I was thinking of starting a blog with that name, but its already been taken and used and abused, its even a band name. I gave up a surf session (ha, the sacrifices I make!) to write the ad and I posted it on craigslist about a week ago.
I am putting it out here for a couple reasons, but mainly I want to put more light on this area of my life so that I can grow better faster, and it does fall under things I need to desensitize myself to. I think I read someones goal of meeting someone new every day, wow! My life just isn’t arranged where thats very likely to happen. I suppose I could rearrange it , like start riding the bus, etc., but I would find it very difficult to do that. I like the idea of having a goal though.
————————–
My wife dumped me several months ago, thank god! Pathetic that I stayed with her so long waiting for her to figure out that to be happy she needed to learn to be happy with herself. I’m still a bit mad that I sold myself short, but I don’t let it define me.
Here I am. Learning to be the person that I want to be. On the one hand, its a bit disappointing to have these thoughts at 40. On the other, its not so bad as I realize that I am not too far off, that the things that I want are mostly there, that I have done a good job of taking care of myself, living with integrity, and creating opportunities. Learning to be the person I want to be should be a lifelong pursuit, right?
I spent a lot of time not being very active in creating the life I want, and thats the main thing I am changing in myself — I compromised and settled too much. Its my spirituality to define, discover, and become the person I want to be. I don’t get it from religion, that feels like a cop-out to me, though I can appreciate the benefits of following a roadmap. I just need something more creative, more personally ‘me’, so I listen to myself and others and take what I want and try and put it together. I think the key is the effort, to pay and give attention to yourself, your heart, your soul.
Right now I fill a lot of my free time with outdoor activities: hiking, running, biking, surfing, which are great for filling up time, and its gotten me in shape and made me feel good about myself, and well, its fun!
I do want someone to connect with, I miss having someone to kiss and to hold and to love, to touch. I miss being kissed and held and loved and touched. I worry that I am not ready yet; I think the worry is mostly a fear I get tempted to hide behind. The same fear that I hid behind when I settled and accepted living a life without exploring, pursuing, creating what I really wanted, so I am stretching and putting myself out there and trying to expand my circle of friends.
I am not feeling real confident though. I know thats not a good sign. You are supposed to be happy, confident, enthusiastic, witty, shiny, when meeting new people, right? The thing is, I know I am all those things, I just, well, sometimes I don’t feel it, I feel a little too human, or I worry it won’t come through easily enough — I find small talk boring, that doesn’t help. Sometimes my best witty comments are hours after the conversation, I hate that!!
I feel like there is so many new things I want to get into, new music, art, books, travels, adventures, but that I am deficient because its new to me right now, that somehow I should already have those things defined for myself, and that maybe I should figure all that stuff out before I go out there and find someone to share it with. But another part thinks that I want to share that newness with someone else, that there is a joy in learning new things about yourself through and with someone else.
I wonder how I will make that transition from ‘hey, how ya doing’ new friendness to hot, passionate kisses — its been a long time! Is it obvious when and how to do that? Or is it something you make happen? Does it even work that way? Its wierd that all those relationship transitions from acquaintance to lover I’ve had are somehow blurred in my mind. Hmm, maybe thats a bad sign? Or maybe thats how its supposed to go, a magical shift from one state to another? I probably shouldn’t think too much about it.
Its going to be fun to figure that out!
